Protected: The Ugly Truth

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


When dreams finally come true…

Breaking news! Well in our house. We have a baby due in September!!! A baby I am carrying. A baby that will live with us, and have our last name. A baby I gave birth to. A baby that will call me mommy.

This leaves me breathless most days. Sometimes I’m scared to really look down afraid that my growing belly won’t be there anymore. Just last year I had not given up but certainly was not trying for a baby until our insurance had kicked in and we had things together and we were more connected. Then booooommmmm a baby!!!

I’m speechless.
Thank you Lord without you I am nothing.

Samuel 1 27

Already In Our Hearts, Someday In Our Arms

Earlier this fall. September. lol. I was going to join a women’s bible study group that was centered around infertility. Which means there would be talk of it all the time and ways to get through it within the bible and such. I was really up for it, registered and everything. Then the day came that I just couldn’t make it. I thought to myself do I want to face a group of women that have the funds, support, jobs, children already etc. all things we don’t have. Do I want to cry each day I leave the meeting? (That’s how I thought it would end) my answer was no and I never went. But it all worked out for me. If this was a group of women centered around helping each other, how come no one emailed me to see if I was just missing the first meeting or wasn’t coming at all. Yeah not a group I want to be in. Thanks!!

Anyway the new job is going well. I feel like I’m finally in a place where I can grow. I may have to leave that school to grow and do things somewhere else but I can grow and learn. Not to mention I work with some of the cutest babies ever omg!!! Literally whatever is bothering me before work it all disappears when I walk into the room and see them. Love them!

Some days I’m like damn this is Gods plan… Plan: let me put her in all situations with children since she will never have her own. Yeah I actually think some times that this was his plans… But I know that this isn’t the case. I consider this to be training. 🙂

don’t let your struggle become your identity

I have definitely allowed having PCOS be my identity. Ugh! Annoying that I’ve done this to myself. I’m thinking of trying a detox and actually doing it so may consider the Dr. Oz detox which may not be such a bad thing. Definitely on a priority list. I also want to get a membership to a gym I can go to after work and the weekends when free. I don’t need to lose weight but apparently exercise helps this ovary eating piranha, haha!

Philippians 1:6
Romans 12:12

Most of the time I’m not sure how I make it through my downs. Until I roll over in my bed and my husband is on the side of me. He’s my biggest supporter and although he may not fully understand what I am going through he is the one here when there is no one else to talk to. He is my absolute everything. Til death do us apart. (They never said if this would be by murder or not so we shall see)

“You are my rock, baby you’re the truth”

Without Darios I wouldn’t be who I am today. I have no choice but to be a strong woman because well somebody has to keep him together lol. 🙂

He’s my protector, lover, best friend, and everything above. I thank him for listening to my zillion baby stories, for hearing me rant about the new person in my life getting pregnant, to go through the many mood swings PCOS brings, understanding so much that comes with this. I appreciate him not giving up and believing that some day he will be a father to OUR child. We are so prepared we already know how to announce it lol. But because we know we don’t know everything we still are considering adoption if the opportunity ever falls in our laps again.

To my fellow believers,
Mrs. Hicks

Getting up is the hardest part…

I keep saying to myself over and over again I will be a mother… Until Friday. Out loud I said, “God doesn’t want me to have a baby” I guess that’s fine. But how do I shut down the part of my brain that says, “I know I will be a mother?”

So much has happened in the past two weeks. Quit my job for a new job that really doesn’t provide me with anything more but social security for when I retire, and the fact that I don’t have to pay taxes at the end of the year. If I am missing a benefit please let me know, I tend to be black and white a lot…

I don’t see my husband much due to his hours at his job and I feel like I work literally to pay bills. I went out for lunch Sunday with my best friend and literally felt terrible and worried because I spent $20 on a meal just for me. I thought to myself I could have put that on something else, or I could save for a doctor’s appointment. Then I jump back to I don’t go out often and this is good for me. We aren’t in need of anything, I just want us to be extra secure, and have everything we need, get some things we want, and to not worry. But the worry part is a joke. I worry about anything and everything possible. What can you do?

Any who I have been a tad stressed, sad, and down right annoyed with life in general lately. It’s not just about not being able to get pregnant it’s more about watching everyone around me fulfill dreams, complete goals and manage to do something right. I feel like I’m always trying to do something and never doing something. The new job is a complete change for me I’ve worked in a school before and in fact worked in a Primrose just not that one. But I feel more focused even though my pay could go up, feel more determined, even though it won’t allow me to move up into anything and feel more challenged even though more challenging may add to my stress levels.

I’m sitting here annoyed and excuse my French when I say, I feel fucked! I feel like if I hear one more person say you have plenty of time to be a mom girl don’t rush it I’ll punch their face. I’m always excited when people around me get pregnant, or have babies. That is super exciting! All the time! I’m just always like damn, hello I’m here pick me pick me! But nothing. My cycle is 9 days late and the worst part of a missing period in my home is just that my body is jacked up and there is definitely no baby. So we just wait for me to get a cycle. Waiting, waiting, and waiting more for it to come knowing that each day that passes I’m not pregnant and can’t be. Depressing huh? I know that’s how I feel about it.

Not all sad has been in our home though. Our relationship has more ups than it does downs now and that’s always a blessing. We love each other hard and know that our marriage is work and don’t mind the time we put in to it. We picked out a new set of rings for me can’t wait to get those and we added a new addition to our family. Our kitty, Oktober. We love her!


I just wonder when we will finally get what we want. When I’m able to have a child with my husband that we can raise, love, care for, teach and all of the above and below. I feel at peace when I can talk about plans for our future child such as where we will deliver, or child care etc. that makes me happy to know that I have someone I can talk to about these things and that’s open to just hearing me.

Me getting pregnant naturally is really our only option. We won’t be able to afford adoption because we would want an infant. The process is lengthy and expensive and we won’t be able to afford that now and maybe not even later. I’m already 27 anyway. I always said over 30 I don’t want any children. We don’t have anyone we know in our family that we can trust to be our surrogate, or that is healthy enough to, etc. so that’s out. We also can’t afford any type of real fertility procedure such as IVF etc. so me carrying for us is our ONLY option. Sucks balls!

I guess I just wonder if it will ever happen and something tells me I’d be wishing forever and hoping that pigs will someday fly.

Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22

Sorrow may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning

Someday it will be easier,

Mrs. Hicks

Row, Even When The Tides Are High

In 23 days I move into a new place. Nothing special really, I’m more excited about having carpet especially since a new vacuum was purchased. Otherwise nothing new. It’s a one bedroom with a study and one bath, larger than the old place but not much of a difference. Not exactly sure what the study will be used for but definitely not a child’s room. All necessary precautions have been taken. 🙂

I miss my Vaeh but I’m totally ok. I’ve said my peace to the mother and I’m proud of the length of time it took to speak. That’s maturity. That means I thought about it. Normally going off at the very start would be the first plan. But I did well! Go me!

I still have a ton of stuff to get rid of before the move. Baby clothing possibly and the pack and play. So that should go quickly a lot of families are in need.

I thought the other day driving home that I’d rather save a child and sacrifice having my own. Although having my own was already taken out of the deck anyway. At least not right now! That would not be so good, ha! But i’d take whatever is thrown at me. Carter’s therapist and I were just talking about that when she asked about Nevaeh. She was also trying after they miscarried but they said if it happens great if not they must keep moving and focus on the move they have coming up. Which is how it should be. It’s just tough some times u want to plan it, do it and it happens. But not all of us are fertile Mertils lol.

I’m following a family on YouTube who I just found, that has lost two children (stillborn) and she was pregnant again in the video I saw that was just this past winter. Yikes! She has got a ton of courage and faith. I quickly scrolled up in hopes that this baby had made it this time around. She seemed like a sweet girl and her husband and her have been through a lot. Sure enough they had a little boy this year! She said she prayed that this baby she would be able to keep forever. In this case those prayers were answered. I was happy to see her holding him that must have been the greatest thing ever!

We or should I say I considered fostering and still may do it but probably once things are all settled. We will see that’s a big decision to make.

We will see where this journey takes us.

Until then we must keep rowing!


A Dixie Chick Inspired post

“Not Ready To Make Nice”

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting…

I’m always shocked how one minute a mother says I love my kids and I would do anything for them, yet the life you CHOOSE to live isn’t suitable for your children.

I’m not a mother, no. But I know that if I had to choose between my child and myself I’d choose my child. Without question, no thinking I’d choose my child. I think being a mother is more than just being able to get pregnant.

It literally hurts my heart that all this is happening and as I write this I cry tears for all children who need more but have no help, and for those who are unable to bare child be able to find the comfort and joy and happiness we all seek raising someone else’s. You are not an adoptive mother, you are not a label you are a MOTHER.

I’m around so many supportive people and I don’t know what I would do if I was in this alone. I want to make it clear that I’m not sad because she’s not mine, I’m sad because I’ve taken her and put her in a place where all was right to only have her taken back to the same place that wasn’t right for her at the moment and honestly may never be. I keep thinking I failed her in a sense. I was supposed to keep her safe and happy and I didn’t. Young mothers think oh look how cute my baby is or I had her I’m keeping her… Or like I’ve heard recently “I don’t want her to get too attached so I’m taking her back”

Lord pray for those who have no sense, pray for those who love themselves more than their children, pray for the helpless hearts that are in the world today, pray that I find peace in the decision that’s been made…Pray for the small hands that can change someone’s whole world. Lord most of all pray for those who pray for me.

Before Joyce left today (Gregg’s mom) she asked if she can say a prayer with me and of course I was all for it. After the prayer she hugged me crying and told me things would be ok. I’d really like to believe that. This a from a woman who lost her daughter to cancer, who has even fought cancer herself. So I know her prayers are strong. I’m so thankful they care for me. I’m glad Keisha was able to tell her. Monday she dropped off a diaper bag backpack I wanted to a lady who is going to monogram Nevaeh’s name on the bag. I didn’t know how I would tell her we didn’t need it anymore after all the money she put in to it.

I just don’t have the right words myself or a solution. If I give it to God that means walking away and letting him do the rest.

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
she turned my whole world around
And I kind of liked it

This will be a hard one…

I’m not afraid

Moving and Growing

What a week already huh?! Wow.

I thought going back to work  after basically telling my boss that I needed something more would have been awkward but it wasn’t it was like any other day. Thank goodness.

My weekend consisted of babysitting, a card game and the same ol same ol. This weekend will consist of Iron Man, friends, and baby sitting again. But see I did add some spice to my life im going out lol. I will continue to do so as well.

I’ve realized I dont get out much to do much and if I do its with family, which isn’t bad but we all need friends even if its just one. So im going to make a point to do something with a friend whenever possible.

I don’t have many close friends at all but I have a couple almost literally, I can text about anything. Like seriously anything… yep! All that stuff your thinking, we talk about that too.

Lately I’ve been thinking that things and people can leave our lives just as fast as they came in. Sad to think about but we aren’t all here forever so there shouldn’t be anyone on this planet wasting time being unhappy and not enjoying life… the right way that is. Some of you think smoking, drinking and involving yourselves in sexual relations with people u dont know is a form of living life to its fullest. Umm no its not.

I know some of my posts speak about needing nore and wanting more and I do. Insurance, more money, a career. Yes I know not everyone has that. I get it. Im blessed to even be where I am at today but im allowed to want more. This is what I want and im going get it. What everyone else does is not my business. I’ve been selfish lately and have only been thinking about myself. I’ve been wanting a baby for years and I’m not even prepared. That’s selfish of me to bring another helpless human being into this world and I am not where I need to be. So I will start thinking more of what needs to get done for me to be where I want to be so my baby has a fair chance. That’s fair.

Failure is not an option!!

I’ll be 27 May 16th and every year I ask myself what have I accomplished and every year I fail to see what I’ve done. Am I too hard on myself? maybe. But its a fair question.

This fall I plan on moving into another place. It was never my plan to stay in my current apartment because of the flooring. Please give me carpet I don’t mind vacuuming. I was proud of myself to hear from the manager that transferring should be easy because I have never been late with rent before. As she said that in my head I was doing those air chest bumps with myself. Haha!! So we will see what’s available around that time.

I just need to remember one day at a time, and one thing at a time.

“We don’t always know if what we are doing is the right thing but if we believe it’s for the better of us and turn to God for answers we can never go wrong. We learn from mistakes and make mistakes to learn. ” -karla

To new beginnings.

Sleepy as heck!